you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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