there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
