Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
