I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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