im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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