Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
