How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
