I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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