I wish I could teleport
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
