Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
