I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
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