I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
