apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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