If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
