The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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