New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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