I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
