I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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