Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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