he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My dick has a subreddit
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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