I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
