I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize