ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You ate ashes out of my bong
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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