Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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