After last night, I could never be a politician.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
