i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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