I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
