I think my fart just growled at me.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
