how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
