I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
