i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
