i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
