I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
