I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
