Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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