They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Randomize
