Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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