the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
it's like iHOP with fire
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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