i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
