why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
