The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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