you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
