twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
