New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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