his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
