i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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