please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize