hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
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