I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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