the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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