I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
home. puking in laundry basket.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
