The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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