My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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