My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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