i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
