Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize