at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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