4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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